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“What if I have to live forever with a sex-limpet?”
I recently received my box of BASICS Nipple Suckers from LoveHoney and, trust me, those suckers live up to name. The delivery was discreetly packaged as per L.H’s norm, and reviews on the site were positive; talking about how enjoyable there were, how strong the orgasms were when you put them on- shall we say non-nipplesque areas? - and generally, got me excited to try them. That said, I wouldn’t say I rate them as highly.
To begin with, they can indeed do their job- you create pressure by squeezing and then releasing them over the intended surface. The experience is one of noticeable increase in pressure, and then….well, you sort of forget they are there. Sensation-wise, anyway; these babies wobble around with every movement of your chest, which can be rather distracting when you trying to get in The Zone. The beauty is in the release- removing the cups makes you realise how tender your nipples have gotten, which does contribute to arousal.
As well as this, submitting the downstairs (okay, enough beating about the pun-tastic bush; I’m talking about clitorises…clitori?) to a sucking experience didn’t really work for me. Unsure how it’s suppose to get purchase. That said, I was very cautious after trying them on my nipples and feeling that suction power. I believe the thought process at the time was something like “oh lord, what if this thing grows a consciousness and latches on and I can’t get it off, and I either have to do the walk of shame to A&E or live forever with a sex-limpet?” So perhaps my efforts here could be construed as lacking in passion.
As for the look, they quite frankly look ridiculous. Nipple tassels and the like always conjure the impression of a censored Page Three model; the absence of nipple and surrounding area is a little disconcerting for me, but that’s personal taste. These nipple pumps are big, and heavy, and carry all the strangeness of a tassel, as well as the added fear that they might fall off, taking your nipple with it were you to move too fast. They are a lot bigger than I anticipated- the rough ends of the cups are big enough to leave a rather fetching circular indent on almost all of my areola, so the entire product is longer than the diameter of my palm- and a peculiar salmon-pink colour. I’m all for pink products but I don’t enjoy thinking fishy thoughts when I’m supposed to be relaxing. The rubber is a little rough-edged (I’d imagine the next level up pumps, which are silicone based, are nicer.) and rather thick. That said, L.H does market them as “basic” and include videos of the product in use, so the site is in no way misleading.
Overall, I was mildly disappointed, if not surprised by the Nipple Pumps’ shortcomings. These were cheap (part of the 3 for £10 offer L.H does) and perhaps inferior to their more expensive counterparts. Fun to try though, and by all means do; I will be keeping mine in the draw for whenever the partner or I need a little amusement. Plus he now lives in fear of having his butt cheek suctioned by way of a morning alarm and that is limitless hilarity.
Price: £6.99 (or less in the 3 for £10 offer)
Tips for Use: the site recommends lube and I endorse this as it minimises, uh, chafing. If you don’t have any to hand or the patience to wait, use Nature’s failsafe. For the clueless, I’m talking about spitting on it.
G.