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What battery-operated vegetables you select and where you deign to put them is really only your business.
Okay, butt stuff is not a new thing. In fact, it’s pretty mainstream- the likes of Ann Summers and LoveHoney stock a wide range of derriere delights and most advice columns are inundated with questions concerning it. However, this is not another “how to grant your boyfriend’s wish and take it in the ass” post. You’re only a few Google clicks away from getting more information than you could possibly need on the topic. And a few Google clicks away from a dodgy anal dilation forum,I might add, so respect the internet for the all-giveth all-taketh creature that it is, and explore cautiously. This post is particularly concerned with addressing the gentlemen out there who might be struggling with the idea of maybe, possibly *dwindles to a shy whisper* putting something in their ass….and liking it. Let me make several things clear, boys. You are not necessarily deranged, perverted or *gasp* gay for being curious. I say “necessarily” because if you’re losing sleep at night fantasizing about shoving a garden gnome up there (spoiler, that didn’t entirely spring out of my imagination) you are a little perverted, yes. But kudos on that, you glorious weirdo(s). But for speculating about the sensation of having your backdoor attended to? Hardly.
Here are some of the most frequent reactions I get to male butt-stuff, and why they are ridiculous.
"Only women really like it."
Firstly, that’s a massive generalisation. *bats nose with a newspaper.* and secondly, the ass is a part of the body that is not gender-specific; it is shared by everyone and everyone. If you think a girl has the capacity to like it up the poopshute, by proxy you recognise men would too. In fact, given all the hype about massaging the prostate, one could perhaps posit that men …. may even enjoy it more? Scandalous. “It’s gay.”
Ah, my favourite and most ridiculous quote. Why, pray tell. is it? Because some (SOME) gay men engage in the activity and enjoy it? Better stop receiving blowjobs and handjobs then! Not to mention the fact that some gay men actively prefer ‘giving’ and never ‘receive’, so by your logic….. but no, of course not, it’s different because you actively want to stick in a girl’s ass, right? Yeah, that makes sense.But it being different because you actively want a girl to do assy (wow.) things to you? Nah. Doesn’t make sense at all. No logic here. While you’re at it, best stop going down on your girlfriend then, because every lick is transforming her into a lesbian. Calm your tits and get some perspective; pleasure shouldn’t carry guilt, whatever form it takes. Stop endorsing it. “It’s only okay for women because they are used to... taking things”
This is beyond words ridiculous. Another bat with the newspaper for you. Even if this WERE true, since when did “you are more adapted for something vaguely similar but really actually not, so only you should be expected to do it” function as an intelligent argument? If that’s the case, it’s only men should practise rimming, because they’re used to eating pussy and blowjobs are NOTHING like it.
These inane beliefs aside, why on earth are you allowing people to judge you for this, when you wouldn’t allow them an opinion in other circumstances? Irrational prejudices are not your problem; your needs and well-being are. If you don’t want to run down the street with a big sign declaring how much you enjoy a cheeky finger then by all means don’t- but don’t ever let yourself be told what you can or cannot enjoy in the privacy of your own home, with or without a partner.
What you choose to have and around your back door is your prerogative; you want to try butt plugs? Do it. Want to go further and try a strap-on? Give your lady the (real or proverbial, no judgements here) reins for half an hour and see what it feels like. If you’re alone, you go ahead and have a party for one and get crazy with the cucumbers if you want. Though, please use condoms and for the LOVE OF GOD throw it the violated vegetable away afterwards. If you want to explore something with a partner, remember that people’s tastes are different. She is entitled to not like it- what she isn’t allowed to do is make you feel guilty or ashamed for it.
Ladies; if you want to try easing your man into idea then a gentle massage of the perineum is a good place to start. Place one or two fingers on the skin behind his balls during blowjobs or doggy, and see how he reacts to different pressures or movements. This experiences varies from man to man, as it would; it can be anything from “ooh (exciteable grunts)” to “if you keep doing that I’ll-oh too late” and, sometimes it can be considered distracting. Some men are straightforward creatures and will get distressed if you deviate and try and take the scenic route to their orgasm. Whatever works is totally fine.
From there, you can progress a little higher each time- usually straight-out asking a guy if he’d be happy with you poking around back there will result in “*splutter* what?! no!” but if you’re already sort of in the ballpark (get it?), he’s probably more inclined to trust what you’re saying. Please note this is *not* me saying you should shove two lubeless fingers up there and yell “surprise!” next time you’re getting down and dirty. That will likely end up with someone getting headbutted, and tears all round. Rimming is another good option; that really depends on your personal tastes. Anal play can function perfectly well without it- the ass doesn’t really require foreplay in the same sense, though spending time getting your partner relaxed with your fingers will always be worth doing. The limitations of play are really up to the people involved. There’s an abundance of ways you can explore; with the exception of prostate massagers, pretty much all anal stuff is gender-fluid. You can have separate toys or share with a partner, though if you do the latter ensure you maintain a high hygiene standard. Use condoms with them if you can, and avoid the hyped-up tingling lubes. Nobody likes a spicy butt- and I refuse to make the Friday Night Indian Takeaway comment. Stick with plain KY or something similiar, to start with at least- and use lots of it. Whether all you end up doing is a saucey rub mid-sex to heighten his/your orgasm or go for full out strap-on sex galore, just enjoy whatever you’re doing.
G.