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(Image from PInterest)
Look anywhere on the internet and this is going to be the first and loudest point made in most articles you’ll find- assuming you haven’t taken a wrong turn and ended up down a rabbit hole of dodgy homemade videos. The key to having a fulfilling dominant/submissive relationship (well, ANY RELATIONSHIP EVER) is fundamental respect. Make sure you are doing this for the right reasons; ladies, if your Dominatrix tendencies stem from an underlying wish to see men cry in front of you, because that will somehow give you closure from whenever a man treated you badly in the past, this is not for you. This life is supposed to be about pleasure, not revenge. A submissive man is not a weak one. They are only weak when they want to pretend to be. Don’t ever mistake servility for spinelessness or fragile characters. It is hard for most women, or indeed anyone, to fully grasp the monumental bravery it takes for an adult man to admit his secret desires in this judgemental world, where the figure of the Alpha Male is simultaneously glorified and rejected. He will be told in one moment that women won’t respect him if he doesn’t play Christian Grey in the bedroom, and in the next, that he is a misogynist for liking to do so. To actually acknowledge, to himself that he wants to be put on his knees, and then outwardly express it, deserves respect. There are no weak men or weak women- only weak people, and even a slave subject is more deserving of your admiration than a person that spends their time ridiculing others for their desires. A submissive has chosen to give themselves to you, emotionally and physically; remember that when you are playing with them, you are playing with pretty much everything they have. They might be in love with you, they might just need to believe they are in the moment- whatever physical relationship you have with your submissive(s) remember that there will always be an emotional connection. After all, you might be the only woman he’s ever encountered that accepts him and his need to be fucked in the arse, or the only woman strong enough to break her fear of women touching her. In that sense, you’re a pretty important creature.
That said, humiliation play is not a lack of respect- rather, an expression of trust. Not every submissive wants to engage in degradation, but if you two are into that, it’s perfectly acceptable. Whether your submissive would like to have their hair pulled and ever so slightly naughty things whispered in their ears whilst they’re fucked, or whether they get off on being called a dirty piece of shit whilst being pissed on, the limits of your Dominant/submissive relationship are entirely yours. Extremity does not always mean fulfilment; talk about what you both want to experience, and go that far. Just because you guys don’t want to break out the 3-inch thick butt plugs doesn’t mean you’re not doing it right. As the Dominant your job is to push the limits of your submissive, but at what level that boundary begins is entirely personal. Talking is great. Talk, talk, talk about everything. Struggling to communicate your fantasies is a quiet indication that there is a lack of trust somewhere, and you need to figure out where the problem is. If your submissive can’t even whisper to you that they get off tothe idea of being gang-raped, how on earth are either of you expected to put the fantasy into practise? (Please note: I said fantasy.)
The important discerning feature is that some things are fantasy and some are reality. Be careful with being too dominant, too early. If you cross boundaries your submissive has not really given permission for, you risk revealing the “real” power dynamic. If you are the physically stronger party it will leave the submissive feeling powerless and taken advantage of. They may resent your control over them because it is no longer based on gratification of mutual needs; simply yours. If you are not physically strong enough to accidentally overpower your submissive, they may respond by forcing you to stop and thus, the power you had as Dominant is significantly reduced. The power of the Dominant/submissive relationship is largely mental and can be several damaged by a bad experience. Obviously it is physical too, but when you unpick the enjoyment of, say, being pinned down and fucked, it is more invested in the imbalance of power on all levels, not just the literal act of being pressed into a mattress.
As a Dominant it is your job to maintain the illusion of control- you must be several steps ahead of your submissive, attuned to his wishes (even when you are insisting their needs are irrelevant and they will be fucked/beaten anyway) and respond accordingly. Have your subject(s) describe their fantasy scenes before you implement them, and then follow up experiences by, again, talking about them. You do not have to do everything perfectly from the beginning, but you must be willing to listen to your submissive when they are trying to tell you something. They have a voice, and respect for you, so treat them equally. Out of the ropes, anyway.
G.